“I just threw a dart at my monitor and posted the first format it hit”
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming…
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
They wouldn’t even be losing their lifestyle just a small portion of their wealth
https://ift.tt/35L1FAW
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?
The one whose sack reads "Idaho"
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something