“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked.
She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes…
One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him. ‘Thump Thump’ Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa. A few seconds later, and CRASH The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears ‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’ The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit. The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Next thing he hears is CRASH The coffin comes through the door knocking it off it’s hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming. Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming. Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin & The coffin stopped.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls