I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
It’s Christmas already?
*googles best responsive web templates*
Ain’t that the truth?
The system is broken
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
Why are they there
Be a lot cooler if they were
Where’s the tough guy that picks on everyone?
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
It’s works now!
More fun than a barrel of monkeys…
What does a house wear to a party?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Zoom Meeting Gone Wrong…
Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
What fruit likes to go down slides?
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
What is this? Who am I? Where am I?
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Get it? Pizza cat?
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
What a time to be alive…
When you’re the only one working with your code
I want my data fast!
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
Hope this offends some boomers
Oddly specific password creation rules
Machiavelli was… conflicted
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
NBA AND CHINA.
Bet the kids don’t remember pens…
*relativistic mass increases, nervously*
Everytime I swear!
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
No one show Chris Stewart a Thesaurus. He would lose his shit.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
Me as a Project Manager
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
When talking to the veteran programmers at work
The American government has failed us
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
Sex funny, wife bad
Survival of the fittest
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
Developers Night Life
This just happened
Well well well!
I fucking hate my wife
404 not found
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
AOC Spanking the GOP, again.