Tickets are non-refundable…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
The deep friar
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
Which was owned by William Shakespeare Since he chewed it now I can't say if it is 2B or not 2B
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
They both came in a little behind
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
Too much pier pressure.
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks." So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves. A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it's for this time. "Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn't stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks and if you can make him stop laughing the jar is yours." The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he's about to leave, the bartender says "Hey wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn't do either." The guy says "The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it."
"Yes, we arson."
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
But that was so yesterday
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
When will I get adult super vision?
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
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The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
The mime next door went nuts.