I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor
He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?
2B or not 2B
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me