I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

When will Ryan Gosling be old enough to be called Ryan Goose?

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Girl being the common deliminator

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…

"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"

Totally innocent.

https://ift.tt/374qUyq

Link in comments to r/makeyouhappy where you can find other posts like this!

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

priorities

https://ift.tt/2PjX5mt

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?

A sigh borg!

I was on my way to get my glasses fixed the other day, and guess who I bumped into?!

Everybody.

Fibonacci

My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!

First time. Does this count?

What do you call the toilet of a king with a gambling addiction?

Royal flush!

This is what goes on in the pewdiepie subreddit. I use the light mode just for the new upvote button

Still does its job

https://ift.tt/3cxyg0b

Yea we’re all good then

https://ift.tt/2QmrWQ9

I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Joke explained

Ofcourse…

https://ift.tt/2SHjiLZ

Almost Perfect!!

Online dating bad

https://ift.tt/2WFQULJ

I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.

But it can't be that hard.

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger

Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”

I thought, well I just can’t turn that down

We need to have Teams cause we already give Microsoft money!

https://ift.tt/2ULZjwB

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.

His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"

Post flairs are now mandatory due to complaints about “Political humor”.

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😂 WHO DID THIS? 😂

Shitty template strikes again

Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …

I have fortitude.

There‘s always at least one

https://ift.tt/33V83nE

Millenials are spoiled and ungrateful 😡

https://ift.tt/3a8NGGj

😂😂😂💀💀💀

Found this on r/aww today

Living while black

https://ift.tt/3c6ARwK

Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

Where is stack overflow

https://ift.tt/2LVf2Ws

An absolute fuckfest of a post

A boys get invited to his girlfriend’s house for dinner

He gets invited to his girlfriend's house. He stops at the pharmacy and says: "Can I get a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight and I think I'm gonna get lucky." "Sure" the pharmacist replies. As he walks out he turns around and says: "Actually, her sister has been giving me the eyes as well. You'd better give me another one" "No problem" the pharmacist replies as he hands over another. He turns to walk out again and turns around: "In fact, the mother has been giving me some signs to. I'm pretty sure she wants me the most. Can I have another?" He takes the 3 condoms and turns up at his girlfriend's house. As they all sit down to eat, they begin to say grace. As the prayer finish and they say amen, the boy keeps his head down. His girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't realise you were so religious" The boy, keeping his head down replied: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".

Hate that month

https://ift.tt/35YjCMC

I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.

She was a dish

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.