I keep seeing faces in things. Its uncanny.
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
Experiment about music perception (5 to 10 minutes)
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden
"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god "What are they?" Adam Replied "Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve." "That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?" "That would be a penis," God replied, "It will let you make offspring to populate the Earth. However, there is one downside." Adam asked, "What is it?" "Well, I only have enough blood to let you use one at a time."
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
My wife’s dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” she said.
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
Why can’t bicycles stand on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
Not all math puns are terrible.
Just sum.
What does a house wear?
Address
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?