I killed a piece of paper.
RIP
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.
J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!” P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven” The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man. M- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wife” The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying J- “ just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven” The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy LB- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the store” The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says “ just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven” The next person to walk into the booth is a woman W- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow job” The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he can’t find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy. J- “Timmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?” Timmy- “ usually a bag of chips and a can of pop”
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?” The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke.
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend’s family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ….". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
3 Beers
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck…
So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine. After they finished with their twenty minute alone time, Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?” Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony… The Golds are busy repainting their apartment… And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.” ”What?! How do you know the Browns were… uh… making love?” Mr. Smith asks. Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!”
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.