I knead more time to process this.
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
I was told to post this here.
This here.
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
There’s a little known legend about Attila the hun
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin