I know better by now…
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
I really get a kick out of it.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
What do you call a state when it gets married?
Missus-sippi. (buh-dum, tss)
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
I bet prostitutes cause temporary blindness.
All they do is flash and bang people.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’