I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
I’ve gone and confused the words ‘Yakuza’ with ‘Jacuzzi’
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
