I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
Mountains arenβt just funny…
Theyβre hill areas.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, βThis isnβt for me.β
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
Whatβs the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says βwanna bang?β To which the nun replies βhell noβ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, βwell every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to goβ. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, βif you want to go to heaven, we must bangβ. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, βaha! It is I! The Man from the bus!β The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, βaha! It is I! The bus driver!β
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!
I come to this sub when I’m on the toilet.
Just for shits and giggles.
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
My son asked me, βDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?β I said, βGo on, then.β He shouted, βNOT THE KRYPTONITE!β I laughed, βThatβs Superman!β
He replied, βThanks dad! Iβve been practicing a lot!"
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
Iβll see you next month
βDoc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!β
Doctor: WOW! Thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
Thatβs when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.