I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
You don’t know what you’re missing!
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
With a look over your shoulder
I still do, but I used to too
She's probably pulling your leg.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
… it was an original mistake.
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
I need good chem memes
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
It was a manslaughter.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"