I know these hotdogs are pretty bad
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
I was in a taxi when the driver said..
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
How are professional Jenga players different from basketball players?
They tower under everyone else.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
