I laughed, and then quickly realized some kids own this.
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye
It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
Support feudalism!
It's your count who votes!
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
No text found
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
These jokes…
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”