I laughed so I am boomer
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
No text found
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
Standing on office chairs.
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The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
![A moth-are-f*cking picture :]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/cjj32myzyoh41-400x227.jpg)
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
The other day I asked my mom how many ‘a couple’ was,
"Two or three" she said. I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
A crow was arrested an put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
I never say curse words
I swear
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.