I laughed too hard at this
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.