I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
The retail shop
Because they are hill areas!
It's fucking r/aww
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
I have a hunch it might be me.
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The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Can’t be spotted
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
Unless everyone gets it
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
…Is sphere itself.
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
It's the first time they'll see 2020
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
They understand the gravity of the situation.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
They operate on a shoestring budget.
They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?” “Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man. The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
But they’ll get over it
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”