I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
How mean is that ?
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
It’s usually the other way around.
At a second hand store.
Use, spring water.
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Faggot."
The cornea the better
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
They always take things literally.
So far all I have is 9.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
It's impossible to put down.
Turns out I came early.