I like a good beer pun
Python Humor (Found on Twitter. Creator: Ryan Sawyer @EightballArt)
Here’s to our lord and savior.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
Well… not really… but kind of…
This poor bastard
old lady bad/young hot lady with visible nipples good
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is beginning to deliver the baby
The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I…" Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You have a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to…" Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
Nepotism at its finest
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
Conservatives IRL – Michigan edition
Boomers don’t discriminate
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
“Sad ending” massage
The new MAGA hats are available on Trump’s website
Thanos has a favorite social media
Insert Title Here
A cop walks up to a lawyer…
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
i agree with the don
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
Xiaomi: Don’t mind me
No text found
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
When you look up modern military strategy
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
Lab teacher: “The task isn’t that confusing.” The task:
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
Spotted a wild one on Facebook
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church…..
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
Why did the dog go to college?
To get its pedigree.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks?
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
learning machine learning
I laughed and then cried
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
Maybe if i just compile it a couple of times, it’ll go away.
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
Why would you put this on a card?
Millennial Lazy. Wife Bad.
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
It always do be like that
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
The justice system
What do you call a hippies wife?
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
Not really “humor” but very boomer
f = ma
Well said Tiffany
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
Sorry Manny, looks like it’s a no….
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"