I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I donโt trust stairs
Theyโre always up to something
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for ยฃ2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
I just placed two orders with Amazon; one for a chicken and one for an egg
Iโll let you know
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
A friend in Germany tells me everyoneโs panic buying sausages and cheese.
Itโs the Wurst Kรคse scenario.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with herโฆ
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, โI canโt believe I just blew 20 bucks.โ
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
My Science Teacher donโt know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?
She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didnโt know I existed.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"