Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
Son: I’m gay, Dad.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
I hate two things
math
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
Whats the best pickup line?
A fishing pole
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
What number is a sport?
Ten is
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.