I like streetwear, but sneakers are my
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch