I like the way you are thinking
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
"They just eat what bugs them."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
…it was fantastic!
The steaks couldn't be higher.
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
It's the state of affairs.
You never turn your back on family.
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
But he's outstanding in his field!
When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I read it on an Instagram post.
With a sea-saw.
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
Because freedom rings
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
A gillie suit.
Two loading animations!
It’s his altar ego.
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
Hermione: Emma Watson?
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
Because they lactose.
That place was giving me the crêpes
He’s good at saving