I like this one
“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
Look at this…
Saw a great movie last night about databases.
Can't wait for the SQL.
GCSEs are fun
We’re getting real tired of getting shit on!
Probably been done before
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Getting my hopes up
Engineer 1 Designer 0
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
Pinterest has quite a lot of these….
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
My first meme
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
God bless both of you
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
I’m not even mad, that’s amazing
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Everyone deserves a voice in their government …
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
A poem for you
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
This looks familiar…
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
If Jehovah could tweet.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub…. The doorman stops them and says, ‘sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai’.
Some professional variables
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.
But I managed to pull it off
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
Someone knew Trump long before others!
He’s not wrong
Silly vegetables have a better grasp on economics than the GOP
World ending AI.
I hope this goes platinum
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Not cool, dude
Well, well, well. How the turntables…
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Zoom Meeting Gone Wrong…
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
What do you call a possessed bird?
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
The only true graph.
My prepositions teacher died.
Rest on peace.
COVID 19 relief checks
What would Melanie say?
Burn baby burn!
Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
It do be like that tho
Oh god the Irony…..
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…