i LiKe ThIs PoSt
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the front lines
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I hate jokes about infinity
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside. The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy. The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees. The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot… don't you have something to share about your son?" The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort…" They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
