I like to gaslight myself
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
I don't know and I don't care
He did a sult-ana
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
But then he disappeared without a tres…
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
They’re just so remarkable…
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
His Dad finally grounded him
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
They did unspeakable things to me.
You look for the fresh prints.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
They're too possessive.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
you get them VERY ANGRY
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"