I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"
No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Its like I had never seen herbivore
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
It isn’t stroganoff
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Now he's just Dav.
It’s not Uranus
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Communication is key
Having to clean the monitor.
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
One of them is an elephant.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Now it's just a waist of space.
It becomes a laughing stock
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
One asks, do you smell fish?
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.