I like you… Waitaminute Nick!
There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole,
Which is also known as avocado’s number
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
Never date an apostrophe.
They're too possessive.
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
