I LITERALLY THREW MY PHONE AND DIED 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I know, because I kept a log.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
But I never met herbivore
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
It was a hare raising experience…
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
No text found
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
No text found
It’s just how eye roll.
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
Guardians of the Galaxy
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.
I handed her the dictionary.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
But you have to admit, their chairs are rockin'
Because long time no C.