I LITERALLY THREW MY PHONE AND DIED 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
A guy walks into a bar
and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!
I know someone who talks like an owl
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You know, I really do love bad puns.
It’s just how eye roll.
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Y’all might think that old people are boring
But you have to admit, their chairs are rockin'
Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
