I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: “Thank you.”
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
Coming soon to a prison near you…
Coming soon to a prison near you…
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet
A man walks into a bar
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey