I lost the first 40% of my followings and the last 40% of my followings
Ow
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
Does this counts as “when pigs fly”? ’cause if it does I may have a hot date tonight.
https://ift.tt/2Vi1kCo
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.