i love drinking both
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
“That’s what.” – She
No text found
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
Dracula told me to bow in his presence, you could say I was…
Down for the count
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
How do you turn a boat into a hat?
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
