I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
The rotation of the earth makes my day
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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.* He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?
