I love how it says the man as if we’re too stupid to understand that the meme is about him
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
I’m coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!” The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” “Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
Never treat a woman like an object…
It hates that.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Republicans trying to find just 1 witness willing to defend Trump’s innocence under oath
https://ift.tt/37jeC5j
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning… And I have oatmeal every morning."
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]