I love how it says the man as if we’re too stupid to understand that the meme is about him
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
A new study shows 9/10 people who are afraid of hurdles…
Never get over it.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”
The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."