I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital
One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary. "My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?" The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode." "Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead." With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick. "Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!" Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldnβt open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
Itβs all about raisin awareness.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
What’s the first book in the video game bible?
Sega Genesis.
My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
A man approaches a priest. βBless me father, for I have sinned,β he says.
βIβve spent the week with seven beautiful women.β βDo not fret, my son,β says the priest. βAll you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.β βWill that cleanse my sin from me?β βNo, but itβll wipe that fuckinβ smile off your face.β
Donald Trump
[removed]
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They donβt make them like theyβre going to anymore.
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Iβve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonβt rest until I find it.
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
Whatβs the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. βLast night I made love to my wife four times,β the Frenchman bragged, βand this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.β βAh, last night I made love to my wife six times,β the Italian responded, βand this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.β When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, βAnd how many times did you make love to your wife last night?β βOnce,β he replied. Only once?β the Italian arrogantly snorted. βAnd what did she say to you this morning?β βDonβt stop.β