I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I can also tell when they're standing.
An undercover cop.
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
I named him Carson.
When the punch line is a parent
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
I would give it one star
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
Because they are above the law.
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
Rest on peace.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
But her aim is getting better
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It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
He even laughs sometimes.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make