I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
It hurts cuz it’s true
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
They cAnt eVen rite!
Wife bad. DIY good.
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
Oh my god just let me finish explaining
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
I laughed pretty hard honestly
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
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I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
They’re on to us
Why is society like this?
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Thanks for tuning in
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
Battle of the budgets: police vs. teachers
How much do dumplings weigh?
mobile phone bad
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
my grandmother’s facebook is too good
Funny but sad
He was right again.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
Ha ha.. get it cuz he’s dead?
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
Happy Thanksgiving Boomers
Here comes the sun
Shared un-ironically today of FB
[cries in queries]
Coins good. Credit cards bad.
It’s almost like price gouging should be illegal
The mathematics of the universe is truly exquisite
HE FINALLY ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING OBAMA COULDN’T
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
Pizza boomer meme
But the collateral damage.
Medicare For All Requires Sacrifice
The pursuit of wealth for the purpose of happiness will make you miserable
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
Notice the difference
Self made anti-boomer half boomer comic
Donald Trump wants this picture removed from the internet. DON’T SHARE IT!
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Man boobs. Woman shopping. Found this in the wild
It’s a thanksgiving miracle! The rare funny boomer comic.
I searched for chopper, but found gold instead
Zero school shootings so far this year.
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
How to protect against the virus.
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
So I just inject the bleach…wait what?
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
A Deplorable Question
Trumps Welfare Lines
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
Without women sex would be
a pain in the ass
Straight up corona
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Meanwhile adobe in 2021
It’s just someone else’s computer
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
When someone says something so dumb you just have to say “ummm”