I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?
632 Hallmark movies.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
Social media nowadays
Social media nowadays
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A voyeur goes to a restaurant…
The maitre d seats him at a table next to a table of four women, one particularly attractive. The waiter comes to his table and says “Welcome sir would you like to hear our specials?” “Uh, yes,” says the voyeur. “Today we our soup du jour is a white gazpacho with avacodo, chilled almonds, and olive oil. We have an appetizer special of artichokes casino tender artichoke hearts baked with jumbo lump crab meat. Lastly our entree specials are pan roasted moscovy duck breast with a rhubarb relish, vanilla balsamic vinegar reduction and roasted potatoes, and filet mignon au poivre, which pan seared with cracked peppercorns in a cognac cream served with roasted potatoes.” Distracted by the table next to him the voyeur responds “Yeah, I’ll have that.” “Which entree sir?” asks the nonplussed waiter The voyeur replies, “Umm…, the steak.” “How would you like your steak?” The voyeur is staring at the other table. The waiter gruffed “Sir?!” “Oh, uh, rare.” Waiter replies “It comes with salad, what dressing would you like?” spoken in a sort of stern tone.” Voyeur is staring at the other table again, startled by the waiter drops his silverware. Waiter: “Would you like Caesar dressing?” Voyeur awkwardly picking up his fork says and looks at the waiter confused. “See her dressing? Why yes that sounds lovely.”
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
Taking things literally
is stealing.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”