I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube
https://ift.tt/2LvRzu3
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
You know your uncle went to WWII with a toy gun
He had nerfs of steel
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.