I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
ââOur wââhole fââamily iââs rââeally wââorried aââbout mâây gâârandfatherâs Vââiagra aââddiction.
Grandma iââs tââaking iâât pââarticularly hââard.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for ÂŁ2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didnât know she even sold flowers!
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
My kid thinks âracistâ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, âYouâre good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.â (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
My daughter asks me all the time âDaddy, can you put my shoes on?â
âNo, I don't think they'll fit me.â Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says âsilly daddyâ. Sheâs 3 đ
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – âmaybe this is it!â She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: âHave you ever been fucked?â Excitedly, the man responds âno!â The woman replies âwell youâre fucked now, mate. The tideâs coming in.â
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
If number 666 is evil,
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, â oh thatâs just a freebie.â
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
A friend told me that he doesnât understand how cloning works.
I told him, âThat makes two of us.â
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
My dad tried to punch the fog today…
he mist.
Partners in the geology lab were upset that I didnât share the earthquake data…
Itâs completely my fault
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park…
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
Itâs called a stain because itâs stayân.
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I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasnât for me.
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, Iâll go on ahead.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didnât like it at first.
why did the can-crusher quit itâs job?
because it was soda-pressing!
Thatâs a nice ham youâve got there…
Itâd be a shame if someone put an âsâ at the front, and an âeâ at the end…
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
Iâd like to find a happy medium.