I love this post more than I should
…we'd never hear the end of it.
But they just never work out
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
They soaked it in water and it became a laughing stock.
They give it two test tickles.
But it's just a hunch.
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
'it's a coughy filter.'
Because he did not want to be spotted
But I’m 2² to tell it!
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
…have the same middle name
1. 2. 3.
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else
I lost my case
I want to make sure they're still OK
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
He was beside himself
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
We never turn our back on Family
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
They're always looking for people.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
He was decomposing.
an artificial Swedener
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."