I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.