“I lowered the price I was asking for my secondhand camera because of some scratches on the screen and the buyer sent me a video of him taking off the plastic cover that was protecting it”
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
Please never ask me if something is electric
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here …What's the problem,cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
No text found
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
