“I lowered the price I was asking for my secondhand camera because of some scratches on the screen and the buyer sent me a video of him taking off the plastic cover that was protecting it”
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
That makes me an eighth theist.
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
It’s pretty nuts.
Son: No, we can all still see you.
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
There was nothing left but de Brie
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I don't know and I don't care.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.