“I lowered the price I was asking for my secondhand camera because of some scratches on the screen and the buyer sent me a video of him taking off the plastic cover that was protecting it”
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
![days since last timezone issue [fixed]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/uq0eqz7yvf141-400x400.jpg)
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.