I made a boomer comic. if you can’t beat them, join them
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life
I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting one etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it. But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave. This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded. Some people are fucking disgusting. Makes me sick. Sent from my iPhone.
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
When does a pun become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault, Ebola wasn’t Obama’s, Sars wasn’t Bush’s
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
