I made a boomer comic
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Mourning wood
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Saw a great movie last night about databases.
Can't wait for the SQL.
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
