I made a chemis-tree for my classroom
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
