I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.
![[Not my meme] But do you know the answer?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/hhoyujk4rz541-400x336.jpg)
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
![[Meme] U$MLE giving up their money maker for the next 12-18 months](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ui6m0lx6s7151-400x393.jpg)
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
