I made another boomer meme
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
I just formed a grunge band and named it “1023 Megabytes”
… haven't gotten a gig yet though.
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
Buzz busted.
Buzz busted.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"