I made sure to hide the upvote and downvote buttons for you
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races…
They owned the Finnish line.
They should put these on commercial airplanes
big boomer energy
The man who sold the helloworld | Hacktoon!
PHD in deliciousness
what did you think?
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
Women are pros 🤪🤣
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
That wall still working it’s magic
Stack Overflow is a life saver sometimes
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
This kid is going places
This is a hacking scene from the Netflix show El Dragón… 😂
How to print new line in Spanish…
An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with. After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit in the bank.'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table. Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from. 'Gambling' she muttered. 'What kind of gambling?' the president asked. 'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.' 'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.' 'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone. 'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!' 'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?' 'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone. That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet. The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet. 'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!' The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted… after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000! That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall. 'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?' 'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'
Found this on my facebook feed
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
Solar energy? No, burning biomass.
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!" Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump." The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below. The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat! The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below. At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens. "Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable. The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken. Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring. "Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
When in doubt, comment it out
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
My local traffic/weather lady on Insta (ignore the bad meme)
Ah shit, here we go again.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Study shows women are turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver watch out
I HATE the woman i’m about to marry!!
Refactoring your code with Intellisense
An interesting title
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
Team no sleep
I hate this
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
Every fricking time
Ok, this is epic
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
Someday, Ahmed, someday…
It’s been a long couple of months
Stem Major Finals
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
Scala vs Kotlin Debate
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
Fixed it for you lads
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Both from a metaphorical and historical POV
This lie hurts the most
10/10 would laugh again
Programmer hourly rate!