I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.
It was a vial substance.
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp…
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but
I decided to sit on it for a while
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
